They say never trust what you don’t see. I’ve learned that the hard way. I guess one can say I’m too gullible. I know I am. I always want to believe what others tell me. I want to believe there is good in this messy world. I wanted to believe that someone I considered a very close and personal friend, was a close and personal friend. Turns out, once again I was wrong.
My family warned me, told me there’s something not right about that person. Did I listen? I wish I would have. I wish I would have opened my damn eyes and paid attention to my gut instincts. I always have before but when it came to this so called friend, I forced those feelings away. I wanted to believe this person was being honest with me. I wanted to think I was worth that respect. I wanted to believe so I did.
Two years and a lot of conversations. All of that gone to waste. Gone with that is my ability to trust what I cannot see. I wrote a post not long ago about this very subject. I had suspicions a year ago and I kept ignoring it.
Sadly, on Halloween my suspicions came to light and quite by accident. I didn’t go looking for it it came looking for me. In 2011 I was sent a picture of this friend’s boyfriend. Last night I found out this picture, or pictures I should say, as he sent many of them, were stolen from the damn Internet and sent to me via email telling me the person in the picture was so and so. I didn’t question it. I glanced at it and let it be. I TRUSTED that individual. I TRUSTED he wouldn’t lie to me. I think I knew then he was lying. But at the time, I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone outside of the writing world, someone outside of my family to talk to and connect with. I needed an unbiased person to talk with. I didn’t know that person would become very special to me. I cared very much about the person I’d met via another friend. I guess I WANTED to believe so I did. I saw many warning signs, but I ignored them because at the time I had too much in my life to deal with, and none of it pleasant. That so called friend made me laugh, made me happy, made me a better person all the way around. That person showed me it was okay to love me, to be proud of myself, to accept and never to judge. That person was, is, so wise. And sadly, I never once got to talk to that individual, never got to hear the voice behind the words. That person added positive into my world when I needed it the most. I loved that person for being able to be what I needed him to be. Always there for me, always willing to talk, always listening, never judging, but often giving opinions. Wise words all the time.
I looked forward to talking, or I should say im’ing with them, and I say them because the friend I’d met him through was also a part of what I needed. They, as a team, helped me in many ways and I never once got to hear his voice to say, thank you. And I know I never will. I know he’s not out there. I know he is someone, I just don’t know who he is, if he is. He’s never offered to prove a damn thing to me. I trusted him to come to me with it. I left him or her plenty of openings to come to me and tell me. I did press the issue a few times over the past two years, wishing I could hear his voice or even see current pictures of him and his boyfriend. Even a picture of his new nephew. Each request was ignored. Oftentimes he’d engage in my questions and say out of respect for his partner he could not talk on the phone, and he could not send pictures. And he is, or I’m told he is a Dom. And he’d get mad at me for asking for that information. I know I should have just walked away and I wish I did then what I am doing now.
Whatever he is, whoever he is, if he does exist, I had to get this out of me and talk about it. This is how I communicate the best. Word to paper, so to speak. Publically I’m thanking him for his emotional support, and publically I’m thanking him for his advice. Publically I wanted it to be known that I am a very open minded person, always have been and suspect always will be. However, until I’m proven wrong I no longer can trust by the typed word only. If I can’t talk to someone I adore, trust, care about, be they guy, girl, or alien, on the phone and meet in person at least once, I have no interest in engaging in a “relationship” beyond a general hello good to see you are okay, one. I can’t. My emotional wellbeing can’t take anymore lies by people I allow myself to care about. Believe me you’ve made me very aware of how creepy the internet can be.
It’s partially my fault for being so damn gullible, but I blame him for taking that and making a fool out of me. Making me feel like the dumbest person on the planet. I blame whoever it is behind those words. I gave that person two years to come to me with the truth and NOT A SINGLE WORD. Instead, he now hides and has yet to try to explain shit to me. While it’s true I didn’t exactly try to talk to him on my find, instead I sent him a link to his so called boyfriend’s Flickr page. He said, “What about it?” I was too angry to respond and haven’t.
Apparently his dad died recently, and God I hope he’s real and this is true because to say something so sad and it be a lie, well Momma Karma is waiting around the corner.
My head is trying to make excuses for him now. Well, I keep fighting those damn excuses he could possibly come up with and remember how sick this world is and how sick people can be.
He said via email the pictures he attached in the mail were of his boyfriend. HE SAID IT. I did not ask it. HE sent the emails all on his own. So, what excuses are there for that? “Let’s see how we can make her look like an idiot?!” Come to mind. Let’s take this trusting individual and fuck her head up even more. Let’s take this trusting person, befriend her, lie to her, and make her look more the fool.
Well, if you’re reading this, you did it. Are you happy now?
And thanks to you and your boyfriend… Or you and your girlfriend. Or you, whoever you are and your friend(s). Thank you for taking my trust and destroying me with it. Thank you for making me a whole hell of a lot more conscious of who tries to befriend me because now I’m not open to it. Thank you for helping me too. Thank you for being who I needed you to be at the time. Thank you for making me feel bad for you, feel hurt with you, feel worry with you and for you. Thank you for the lovely necklace and bracelet. Thank you for giving me hope. And thank you for waking me the fuck up.
I hate you for your lies. I hate you for not trusting in me, as I did you. I hate that you are now laughing behind my back with your friends, friend, or all by yourself. Thank your boyfriend, who used to chat online too. He also sent false pictures of himself and proudly stood behind them. He even sent a picture he “took” and changed… He found that online too. I found it the other night and he did not take it or accent it, or she, or whoever you all are. He used it to lie. So, now you are both liars. If I dug deeper I’d probably discover you live somewhere in Washington. You played a sick game. And I hate you for it.